This was not composed by Robert Burns
Auld Grace had pestered Tam for years
Aboot the Mason craft,
She speired and speired both morn and neit
Till tam was driven daft.
She swore that he was aye to blame
Whenever there was strife
For he should hide nae secrets frae
His true and lawful wife.
Tam swore he couldna, brek his oath
Grace swore he was a le’er
An’ ilka time she nagged like this
Aff’ tam went on the beer.
Lang lengths things came to sien a pass
(It made his life a hell)
That tam in desperation cried
The secrets he would tell.
Weel pleased wis Grace she’d foucht and fecht
And feth, she’d gained the day;
So doon she sat an’ cocked her lug,
To hear whit Tam wid say.
Que’ Tam: I’ll pit ye thro’ the same
As I went thro’ masel’.
Bit feth ye’ll need to sweer an oath
That ithers ye’ll no’ tell.
Grace said she’d sweer a hunner oaths
Bit Tam said yin wid dae,
So Grace swore oot baith lood an’ strong
That ne’er a word she’d say.
Noo strip, said Tam tae the buff
As bare as bare can be;
When Grace had stripped, tam slyly said:
Ye’ve got the first degree.
Quo’ Tam: Wull ye go further noe
And take the next degree?
Quo’ Grace; I wull; ye needna’ think
Tae fricht the likes o’ me.
The second then quo’ Tam is clear
An’ wull yer doots disperse—
Jist stick yer richt thoomb in yer mouth,
The left yin in yer erse.
Grace looked at Tam wi wrathfu’ e’e,
And thocht he’d gane wud,
When next a stickin’ plaster het
Tam stuck on her auld fud.
Quo’ Tam: iv’e stuck it ilka hole,
An’ gin it on the square,
If ocht goes wrang I’m no to blame
Nae mortal could dae mair.
Noo Grace , ma lass this is the best
The Third and best degree,
Gin ye dae richt, I’ll gin ma oath
A Mason ye will be.
Grace couldna’ speak, but Tam cried oot
Chinge thoombs, ma good wife Grace,
The left should noo be in yer mooth
The rict yin in its place.
Then Grace cried oot wi’ angry v’ice
Atween her scunner spits,
If this is yer Mason’s Third degree,
Yer devilish dirty brits.
Tam noo has honest peace o’ mind,
As a, the neebors see,
Since Grace changed thoombs at his request
An’ took the Third Degree.