My wife Nancy and I attended many varied functions during our long 64 years of marriage, and heard so many excellent speakers tell their party pieces to an appreciating audience. I often said to Nancy that it would be good to have a collection of such tales to tell when I was speaking at Burns suppers or giving a lecture on old Glasgow. It was Nancy who said that when she was accompanying me to a function and heard someone tell a good story then she would write it down and this would be our collection. The following pages are the result of Nancy’s good work.
Frien’ship mak’s us a’ mair happy,
Frien’ship gies us a’ delight,
Frien’ship consecrates the drappie,
Frien’ship brings us here tonight.
Love is one of the most important of all the emotions, and it comes in so many different forms
There is a love, a wonderful love,
It’s been with us since time began,
‘Tis the love of a maid, who is unafraid
Of the love of her dear young man,
There’s another love a more tender love,
More tender than that of a mother.
It’s that exquisite, Ardent, Passionate love,
Of one drunken bum to another.
The class were having a Biology lesson and as usual Tracy was not paying attention. Tracy said the teacher who was the first man to which Tracy replied Ah would rather not say Sir.
The teacher was explaining to the class that to make a good story there must be four essential elements-----sex---religion----Royalty-----and mystery------- and asked the class to spend the next half-hour making up a story containing those four subjects-----Inside five minutes wee Johnny raised his hand and said----Please Miss, Am finished. That was quick ---said the teacher----let’s hear your story-----Johnny stood up and began------“Holy Moses------said the Princess---am pregnant again----I wonder who did it this time”
The young man at a dance was attracted to the well dressed, lovely looking girl and decided to ask her to dance. The young lady accepted and during the dance he asked her what she did for a living. Oh, she says, I’m a Call girl, well says the young man, isn’t that a co-incidence, I’m an Islay man myself.
The local Lairds wife was visiting the children's party in the village hall and congratulated some of the children on their fancy costumes. On coming to a wee lad who was dressed as a pirate she asked “And where are your Buccaneers” to which came the reply “They’re under ma Buccan hat”.
There is the story of four people whose names were Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it, Everybody was sure Somebody would do it Anybody could have done it but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about this because it was Everybody’s job Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn’t do it in the end Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
The wife went awa’ for a month tae her maw,
So ah sent tae her a wee letter,
Its no been the same, since you left oor hame,
For noo it’s a damned sight better.
Every day we read in the newspapers about the invention of some new weapon but did you know that a new type of weapon has been invented for the Scottish Secret Service you press a button on your sporran and a high velocity bullet shoots out there is only one snag the recoil disnae half bring tears tae your eyes.
The folks of the west are well known for their tolerance and kindness and this is borne out in the following grace.
Oh Lord heap Blessings on the soup,
Heap Blessings on the stovies,
Heap blessings on the Jews and Papes,
The Moslems and Jehovies.
Heap Blessings on all who are gathered here
Our friends and all the strangers,
And if you’ve any Blessings left
Gi’e them tae Glasgow Rangers
There is much said today about discrimination but did you ever think that if a housewife opened her door to find the milkman standing there naked she would most likely charge him with indecent exposure and yet if the milkman is confronted by a naked housewife he would charge for nothing but the milk.
Bridget met her friend in the street and was greeted by her saying “Ah---its yersel, Bridget ah hear that yer hoose was burgled. Aye –says Bridget they broke intae ma meter and took aw the gas money, an’ a’ll hiv tae make it up masel ah think it wis twa boys frae doon the street bit ah canny prove it ah think they should bring back the cat. Guid heavens says her frien, they shairly didnay take the cat as well.
The local priest received a letter from his Bishop in which the Bishop suggested that it was time for him to move on. The Priest wrote back immediately saying------Dear Bishop----I remain, Yours Faithfully.
A Committee is a group of men or women or both who make Minutes and waste Hours.
After Christmas three children were asked what they had done on Christmas day. One who was the son of a Vicar, said that the family had gone to Church and when they got home they had opened their presents and sang some carols. A young Roman Catholic boy said that his folks had gone to Mass opened their presents and sang some carols. The third boy was a young Jew and he said that his Father owned a toy factory which the family had gone to visit looked at the empty shelves and sang What a friend we have in Jesus.
A wee Glasgow ship worker came rushing home at lunch time panting and puffing and asks his wife what height am I Jeanny your about five feet five or six why? Thank god for that I heard the manager tell the foreman to sack six fitters.
Battered wife------husband bursts through the door----and right out of his three storie window. Wife says that the police will think that she threw him out of the window-friend says-don’t worry-I’ll run down and put a shammy in his hand.
Wife went to doctor for an insurance check and came home looking very pleased. Husband asks why she was so happy looking and his wife replied that the doctor had passed her a hundred per cent, and told her that she had the figure of an eighteen year old and the sweet breath of a twenty year old how nice, said the husband----and what did he say about your forty year old bum------Oh, says the wife----you were never mentioned.
A Shilling is not supposed to be as good as a Pound------and yet it goes to church more often.
It is sometimes very difficult to decide whether a person is walking to reduce-----or is reduced to walking.
Life has a habit of ironing things out------for every woman who makes a fool of some man------there’s another making a man out of some fool.
One of the many things that has gone wrong in this generation is that too many parent’s slippers are worn out on the dance floor.
The man waited patiently in the post office but could not attract the attention of either of the girls behind the counter-----The evening cloak, explained one of the girls to her companion----was a redingote design in gorgeous lame’ brocade with fox fur----and wide pagoda sleeves---At this point the long suffering customer broke in with -----I wonder if you could provide me with a neat purple stamp---with a dinky perforated hem---the tout ensemble deliberately treated on the reverse side with mucilage---something about eighteen pence.
Angus was listening to the Englishman speaking of his ancestry-----our family is a very—very old family---- our line runs away back into antiquity-------We cannot tell just how far back it goes but it is a long--long way------- Well—says Angus----We canna tell ower much about our ancesters but it is all written down in five books----and if I remember rightly its in the third book that it says----about this time the world was created.
When driving along the road the car to watch is the car behind the car in front of you.
It is a strange thing that by the time you have lived long enough to know how to make the most of your life---most of your life has gone.
Notice on church notice board----For those who have children and don’t know it-------There is a crèche downstairs.
A brother and sister were in a childrens home and the little girl was having trouble with bed wetting. One night her brother said to her-----Mary---- when you feel the need to go to the toilet just get up and go-----remember that Jesus will be with you. The wee lassie thought for a moment and then said---- That’s all right for you-----you’re a boy and Jesus can go into a gents toilet.
Getting married is a great time for couples to make their arrangements to change the world----even although the only thing they have in common is that they were married on the same day.
On a bus a gentleman rose from his seat and offered it to a lady—and she promptly fainted------when she revived she saw the gentleman’s face and she thanked him-----and he promptly fainted.
A traveller was looking for a room at the Inn and the landlord was explaining that his last room had only just been given to his brother-in-law who had arrived un-expectantly.----Asking if his brother-in-law would object to sharing he was informed that no one could share a room with him owing to his horrible habit of snoring----After a little while the traveller convinced the landlord that this was not a problem, so the arrangement was made to share the room. Next morning the traveller came down for breakfast and the landlord asked him how he had slept with the noise of his brother-in-laws snoring---Oh fine said the traveller----he did’nt snore at all last night-----you see –just before I went to sleep I gave him a wee peck on his cheek---and gave his bum a wee pat---I don’t think he slept at all.
Doctors have discovered that Hay fever can be either positive or negative----sometimes the eyes have it----and sometimes the noes.
An old lady was sitting in her bed in the hospital watching her nurse, and she said to herself------
“What do you see nurse---- who do you see
What are you thinking----when you look at me---
A crabbit auld woman----no very wise----
Uncertain o’ habit—with far away eyes---
Who seems not to notice the things that you do---
And always is losing a stocking or shoe—
Is that what your thinking---is that what you see—
Then open your eyes nurse---your not seeing me----
I’ll say who I am—as I sit here so still
As I move at your bidding--- and eat at your will—
Inside this auld carcase--- a young girl still dwells—
And now and again my battered heart swells—
I remember the joy----I remember the pain---
And I’m loving and living life over again—
I think of the years –all too few—gone too fast—
And accept the stark fact—that nothing can last—
So open your eyes nurse---wide open and see---
Not a crabbit auld woman---look closer—see me.
The Minister was on holiday and a stand-in Minister was taking his place----After the service a little boy was asked how he had liked the new Ministers sermon----to which question came the reply----I thought he was better than our own Minister-----all our Ministers stories have morals—but the new Minister had no morals at all.
A SENIOR CITIZEN DEFINED
A SENIOR CITIZEN is one who was here before the pill ---Television—frozen foods---credit cards---ball point pens---jet engines—and super-sonic flights----and the moon was for doing your courting under---and not for walking on. For us---time-sharing ---meant togetherness---and chips were something you ate with fish, and you bought them in penny-worths---hardware meant hardware---and there was no such thing as soft-ware----We were before panty-hose and drip dry clothes--- and dish-washers were husbands---not electrical appliances---we had hot-water bottles—not electric blankets----and we got married first and then lived together----how quaint----Girls wore “Liberty bodices” and “Peter Pan collars” and they thought that cleavages were something to do with butchers--- We were before Batman –Vitamin pills---disposable nappies----pizzas----Instant coffee----and Chinese take-aways-----soaps were for washing with----In our days smoking was fashionable-----and grass was for cutting----while POT was where made stew and dumplings---to be GAY was to be the life and sole of the party-----while AIDS were beauty creams –lipsticks ---tresses and wigs----Todays senior citizens are a hardy bunch when you think how our world has changed--- and of the many adjustments we have had to make.
There was an eighty year old farmer who married a pretty young woman, and his doctor was more than a little worried about him------They met on the village street one day and the doctor asked the farmer how he was getting on with his new young wife----fine says the farmer----ah can’t keep ma hands off her----six months later they meet again in the village and the doctor enquires-----and how are things going for you and the wife ---Jamie---the last time I saw you---- you couldn’t keep your hands off her----Ah—says Jamie---I sorted out that problem--- I sacked all the hands and bought a tractor.
Most people have reason to visit a lawyer at some time in their lives----and in days gone by a hard faced female would stop you getting anywhere near the lawyers office, which looked like a morgue. Things have changed----today you will be greeted by a lovely dolly-bird ---secretary---- and it is difficult to tell the difference between the secretary and the lovely lawyers----To avoid being embarrassed the one sure way of telling the difference between the females in a lawyers office is----the ones with briefs are lawyers-----and those without are solicitors
A schoolboy was collecting for a present for the teacher who was retiring and he approached a boy who did not like this teacher--------and he asked the collector what present the money was to buy------a spin drier---said the collector----what---says the reluctant donor-----can she no dry her spins wi’ a clout like ordinary folk-----
A happy marriage is one where the wife makes all the small and trivial decisions ------such as how many children will make the family----how the money will be spent----where they will go for their holidays---while the husband makes the important and carefully thought out decisions such as---should Britain join the Common Market-----
I like my women to be like Za-Za-Gabor------who was the perfect house-keeper-------every time she divorced----she kept the house-----
Traffic cop-----Now misss-----what gear were you in when the accident happened--------Lady motorist----Black beret---tan shoes----tweed sports dress
A stout golfer was asked how he liked the game and he replied----- O.K. but ----when I put the ball where I can reach it---I can’t see it------and if I put it where I can see it---I can’t reach it
An Arabian Proverb-----
He who has Health has hope---------and he who has hope--- has everything-----
Speaking of hope---=-I wonder how many of you have realised any of your childhood dreams--------as you see--- I managed one----when mother used to comb my hair-----I wished I didn’t have any-----
God heals---------- The doctor takes the fee-------
Today the lassies can be found participating in all walks of life---they are in Parliament---in Police forces---in shops---in factories---and there is the thought going round----that some of them are ----insufferable.
I can remember the day when Lassies were like tram-cars---If you missed one---------there was always another coming up.
Women sometimes let themselves down-------take the women libbers for instance--------they lost a lot of support when they burned their bras------
Life is changing all over the world as far as the lassies are concerned ---------before the second world war if you went for a walk in the desert------you would see a sheik walking at least 50 feet in front of his harem------today things are different-------the harem is spread out in a line 50 paces in front of the sheik---------a new courtesy------oh no------Land mines-
The Professor was giving a lecture on the subject of women-clutching his robe he began his talk----women are---generally speaking----
The young housewife went into the butchers and asked for a Haggis-----saying that she felt like a night wi’ Rabbie------
The Bible class teacher was giving the bairns a rather graphic account of the hardships of Mary and Joseph ----how they could not find a room at the Inn----and had to sleep in the stable ----The next Sunday a wee lassie raised her hand and asked----Have ye ony word o’ yon folk who were looking for a room----
The rule of the road is a paradox quite,
In riding or driving along;
If you keep to your left you are sure to be right;
If you keep to your right you’ll be wrong.
But in walking—a different custom applies,
And just the reverse is the rule;
If you keep to your right-you’ll be right –safe and wise,
If you keep to your left---you’re a fool.
Oh, the gladness of a woman when she’s glad,
Oh, the sadness of a woman when she’s sad,
But the gladness of her gladness,
And the sadness of her sadness,
Are as nothing to her badness,
When she’s bad.
The Last Request
‘Twas in a crowded hospital, In western U.S.A.
A Caledonian far from home, sick, lonely, dying lay.
Oh, Doctor could I hear but once, Oor ain Bagpipes again,
I’d shut ma een and die in peace, in spite o’ a’ ma pain
The kindly Doctor searched the toon, a brither Scot was found,
And soon within the Hospital, the cheery pipes resound.
Along the great white corridors, the pibroch echoed clear,
Till every poor sick sufferer heard, the Highland tunes so dear,
And by that glorious music, the weary Scot survived,
Regained his health, and travelled far, The other patients died.
In the house of Commons
So it is said
When a man sits down
He uncovers his head,
But in this little house
It is quite the reverse,
When a man sits down,
He uncovers his erse.
Remember man as you pass by, as you are now, so once was I,
As I am now, so you will be, prepare then man, to follow me.